Hmmmmm. My amnio is in 15 days. I need to start some sort of countdown.
But I have been thinking about my future beyond this pregnancy. I cannot really continue this blog beyond then. It's whole point was to document the pregnancy struggles I have faced. But that struggle will be over in a matter of a couple of weeks. My original intent was to use one of those services that turn your blog into a book, so whenZachary gets older, he will have a memento of what we actually endured to bring him into the world. I tried keeping a journal for E in the same fashion when I was pregnant with him, but found that I just didn't stick to it. Something about typing online is so much easier to do than writing it all out longhand.
But do I want Zachary to read this one day? Do I want to let him read about the day where I prayed for an end to the pregnancy, instead of being the selfless mother who thought of only her baby? Do I want him to read of the emotional and financial woes that have marked my pregnancy with him? Of the sacrifices we have all had to make?
This all started out as proof of my love for him. As a way to say that "I loved you so much that I endured this." I am left to wonder now if he should have that knowledge. If it will leave emotional scars on him in some way. Qute simply, I have not censored myself at all. I have said everything I have thought that I wasn't supposed to say out loud. Moms just don't do that. So now I cannot decide if I wll have this put into print for him or if I will just let these words waft around in cyberspace anonymously.
But I have found that I like blogging. It may be that nobody ever reads it, other than a couple of people, but for me, that isn't the point. I like doing this for me. It is a way for me to voice every frustration, thought, feeling that I have without my words impacting the people I love. Almost like a sort of therapy. So I want to start a new blog, and I know now will be the time to do so, when I am reaching an end to this one, and still have some time off before my life is once again consumed with career and education and family and new baby. If you are one of the people reading this, and are so inclined, you can find it here.
I am so going to follow your new blog. I already bookmarked it. I was thinking about doing the same thing. I want to continue writing but I might keep the blog and just change name but not the url. not sure yet. But I have to tell you, for the past month, I've looked forward to reading your entries and found your writing to be incredibly honest and raw and very beautifully written. You've expressed a lot of the feelings I felt but didn't know how to put into words.
ReplyDeleteJust make sure that if you change the URL, you post something so I can follow yours too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the huge compliments! I'm glad someone wants to hear what I have to say!