They say that when you have a second child, you will be amazed at how there is room for both of them in your life. I'm sure it's true. Look at these super-sized families that are all over the television! Look at my mother, who had 7 of us! And I will just have 2!
But here is the thing: I love my E with my whole heart. That child is my life and breath. He is so special, and I don't mean that in the way of short busses and having to read to him slowly. He is special as in one-of-a-kind, amazing, gorgeous, funny, sweet...The list goes on and on. Basically I can sum it up in one sentence: I already have a perfect child. To hope for another of the same seems like I am tempting fate a little too much.
I've been trying to picture our lives with another child. Yes, I can see the sweet newborn. I can envision the way he looks,the smell of sweet baby breath again. But is Zachary going to be cheated? Or E? The idea of not giving E my undivided attention just breaks my heart. I feel like I am being a traitor to him by bringing this other baby into the world. I mean, he has been the only one for almost 9 years.
I know in my heart that everything will fall into place when Zachary is finally here. I really do. And I am hoping that the sacrifices E will have to make to have a baby brother will just add new dimensions to his life. He'll get to be a role model, a guardian, and more. Things he has never had to do before that will make him a better, more whole person.
I predict that after all you have gone through you will be blessed with another amazing child. Give yourself some credit - I'm sure I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without the influence/guidance/love of my father.
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