Yep, I'm awake at 3 AM...Again!
Last night, J and I were watching tv when I smelled the most noxious smell coming from my beloved husband. I literally gagged, and got so sick. I haven't done that in at least a month. The pukey part of this pregnancy has long since ended. But I was sick, so I ended up in bed after ensuring that our Cincinnati boy, Chad, was still safe on Dancing with the Stars. (I won't refer to him by his last name. I still cannot believe he changed his last name to a Spanish number because that was what all of us Cincy people called him. What a goofy thing to do!) But once in bed, I intended to read, and ended up waking up at 3 AM with the lights out an J snoring softly beside me.
What woke me was a dream I had of Zachary. We were bringing him home from the hospital. Nothing eventful happened. We were just bringing him home. He was nestled into his carseat, with his tiny baby legs curled up like newborns do, and he was so sweet and small and cute. My baby. I don't have anything profound to write about the dream. I think it has just hammered home that this is really happening. I am going to have two boys. One would think I would have gotten used to the idea somehwere in the past 33 weeks or so, but I haven't. Zachary will probably be E's age before I finally do. I have to cut myself some slack on this one: E has been an only-child for almost 9 years. (He'll turn 9 on September 1st!)
I cannot wait to meet this little guy. I don't know how much I believe in miracles. I simply have learned too much about science and medicine. But if miracles do exist, both of my boys are examples of them. E was supposed to be a miscarriage at 18 weeks, and Zachary probably would not have survived when I first went into labor at 21 weeks. Either God or the Marvels of Modern Medicine, whichever, is the reason behind both of them.
I'm reminded of my favorite quote from Cormac McCarthy's The Road. "If he is not the word of God then God never spoke." That may be a complete misquote, with puctuation or one or two words off, but I am recalling it off the top of my head. I remember when I read it, I thought of E. If God exists, there is no better evidence than the presence of my son in my life. Now I can say my sons, plural.
How beautiful! I agree about the miracle part. I think making a baby alone is a miracle and I am not religious nor even that spiritual. I love The Road. I have not actually read the words with my eyes so I don't remember the writing very much, but I listened to the book with my husband and the images evoked from listening to the book are burned inside my mind. If there was any book with a miracle theme, I'd say that is one of them.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh! You HAVE to read the book! It is absolutely haunting. And his writing is brilliant. I could've gotten lost in specific passages from the book for hours!
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