Thursday, March 18, 2010

27 Wks, 3 Days: Down

I hate to post anything else that is negative in nature. I get kinda sick of it, to be honest. But I started this little blog to document this pregnancy and that is what I am going to do...

I am completely down right now. It goes beyond boredom. I can surf the 'net, read a book, watch a movie to cure that. My favorite is watching tv on the internet. I love when networks post tons of episodes of shows on their websites, so even shows I haven't watched I can catch up with. I thought about taking up knitting or crocheting or some other crafty pasttime, but then I had flashbacks of bedrest with E's pregnancy. I was determined then that I was going to learn how to knit. I figured I am a bright person and could figure it out, so I went on a frenzy. I got all of the stuff I needed, along with some how-to books, and started my attempt. Ha! That was not a good idea for several reasons. First, I don't take failure very well. I am a perfectionist, so if whatever I produced didn't come out looking like a commercially manufactured product, I would've died. Second, I am easily frustrated, and didn't handle it well when my first attempts at stitches came unraveled in my hands, over and over again. Third, I cannot leave a task unfinished. It does something to me. I have to finish what I start, right then and there. So the three of those combined made the attempt at knitting even more stressful than the boredom. I learned a lesson there. So then I got the idea, with this pregnancy, to make some of those fleece no-sew blankets. They're adorable, and seem easy: you just knot the fabric at the edges. So I looked at materials to make those and made a discovery: fleece is expensive. Well, it wouldn't be bad if my income were not drastically reduced right now, but it is, so that prohibited that experience. Any extra money right now needs to go to paying bills in advance, and getting baby stuff. That leaves me with books. Lots and lots of books.

And E. E does not get it, no matter how hard I try to explain. He wants his Mommy. The other day, they had some sort of skate party after school. I had no warning of it, whatsoever. We didn't even know where the skating rink was, but if I would have had notice, I could have planned ahead and sent him with J. I, obviously,cannot go. But I still tried. I found the rink, and tried to contact them to get info on when-where-how-etc. No answer. J was going to try to take him. Of course E made the raisin face, as we call it, where his eyes crinkle up and he really cries. He wanted not only to go, but for me to go with him. And yesterday he came home with one of those Scholastic book order forms, with an itemized list of what he wanted from it. This is sort of my fault. We have always had this little unwritten policy in the house: toys and video games come with a limit, as do dvd's. But books? If the kid wants books, he gets them. Books are good for you, are educational, and more. We don't limit books. But he wanted about $300 worth of books from this book order! I had to say no. I tried to explain that while mommy isn't working, we are on a tighter budget, and I may have to temporarily say no to some of the extras right now, but that it will not always be that way. That before he knows it, we will all be back to our old selves. He didn't buy it, and I think it was less about him understanding and more about my delivery. After all, I am starting to doubt if things will ever be back to normal. I doubt if I was very convincing. It breaks my heart not to be able to give him the things he wants, and this is made even worse by the fact that he just doesn't get it.

And J. Poor J. On two seperate occasions, I have had to call him home from school. We have one car, and they won't let me taxi him around, so he takes E to school in the morning then heads to his classes. So if my doctor or team of nurses see fit to send me somewhere, I have to either call him or call an ambulance. I'm not calling an ambulance. The result is that when they are overly cautious with me and send me to the hospital, J has to come home and take me. It makes me feel horrible. Then I try to talk myself out of feeling bad by rationalizing that this is his baby too. I have to deal with the pokes and prods, the needles and contractions and medications with their side effects. He can't be the one to do any of that. But he can be the one to have to take me where I need to go. I just know that if he fails a class, I will feel responsible. I shouldn't. He just has school. For years, I have juggled school, work, family with no problems. He should be able to handle school and driving me places. But this is me. I can't rationalize my way out of my feelings for some reason--I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I have turned into nothing more than a burden.

Work--I shouldn't even care, but I have found myself being snubbed lately by coworkers. These are coworkers who, by the way, I have covered for on countless occasions. There was a period of time when we were so short-staffed at night that I would work as many as 7 12-hr. shifts in a week, not only to cover for people who were sick or out on leave, but also to pad the staffing so the ones who were there didn't have to work quite as hard. There was one period of time where we had three full-time night-shift therapists off on FMLA: one was sick and the other 2 had babies. I worked for them, and though I may have been grouchy and tired, I didn't complain. And I was in school full-time then, too. Now the tables have turned and I am the one out, and they won't even speak to me. Again, I shouldn't care, but I would be lying if I said I didn't. It makes me wonder how I am going to be treated when I return after all of this time off.

I guess I just feel a little alienated. J and E go to school all day, leaving me here with nothing but my thoughts. I'm bored and had my life virtually ripped out from under me. I'm under financial strain, when I am used to simply picking up extra shifts at work when money gets tight. That isn't an option now. Everything has changed, and I am feeling low, so these other issues feel a thousand times worse than they would have under normal circumstances. This, too, shall pass, I guess.

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