Thursday, March 4, 2010

25 wks, 2 days: Stupid Pump and Other Stuff

Grrrr. My infusion pump kept me awake all night. The catheter goes in my upper thigh, or I can put it in my stomach, which I cannot seem to bring myself to do, so thigh it is! But every 2 days or so, I have to alternate legs. This time it is in my left thigh. The problem with this is that I can only sleep on my left side, propped on a nest of pillows. So every time I would move in my sleep, the tubing would get pinched and the silly thing would beep and buzz and vibrate to tell me it was occluded. I got no sleep last night as a result, but I am also not having contractions, so it is worth it.

As for today, I have another day without plans. I really should finish my book I have to read for my women's literature course. I didn't drop out of class completely. I had one easy-as-pie online course and the women's lit. My professor for the course has young twins and was on bedrest for their pregnancy, so she understands and has exempted me from attending class. I read the required books, then submit reading journals and papers to her via email. So I am still in school part-time. But I don't want to read or write a paper.

All of this has me thinking. My life up to this point has been so crazy. I would work up to 60 hours a week as an RT, doing 12-hour night shifts, then attend class full-time during the day. Any breaks, though they were few and far between, would be occupied with E and J. There would literally be days where I would not sleep. I ended all of that after I discovered I was pregnant. No more overtime, no more demanding courses at school. No more.

Part of me misses my crazy life. I've always been the type to thrive on stress. And I have to have a challenge or I lose interest. But this? This is kind of nice. I can focus on going to work when I am able, can relax and do things I want to do during the day while my boys are gone. I don't know if I am feeling this way because it is a break and I was getting burnt out, or if this is a permanent change. I have wanted to be a doctor my entire life, and that is what we were gearing up for. I was almost there. I would have taken my MCAT and started applying this quarter. I don't know how to want anything else. To change my plans now seems so scary to me. But after almost losing E all those years ago, and now with what we are going through with Zachary, I feel like I should be content to just stay home and raise my sons. And be with my husband. And I actually can picture my life like that: sloppy kisses, peanut butter sandwiches, milestones reached, baby giggles, bedtime stories, and more. Prestige and income mean nothing to me right now. Maybe it is the hormones.

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