Friday, March 5, 2010

25 Wks, 3 days: J's Take on This?

Hmmmm. This may sound silly, but I find myself wondering what it is like to be the man in a complicated pregnancy. Or any pregnancy, for that matter.

We women are so lucky. To carry a child and have it grow inside of you forms a bond that cannot and will not be broken. And men have their role, too. But it just seems so much more abstract looking at that role from the outside. This is, of course, coming from a woman who has a very involved husband. There has only been one appointment in all of this that J could not attend, and that was simply because E had a snow day at school, making it ncessary for him to go along with us. J kept him ouside and occupied while I saw the doctor that day. Other than that, he is there with me every step of the way.

I remember his excitement at finding out E was to be a boy. He had almost the same reaction when we found out Zachary's gender. Does it make them feel more manly to produce sons? Lke in some ancient culture where sons are a tribute to their virility?

I wonder how J feels about all of the problems I have, if he regrets that he married a woman who is flawed, and cannot seem to do the one thing that women are supposed to be able to do. I know this view is slightly skewed. I know women who have had fertility issues, and know it is not their fault, and that it makes them no lesser a woman. But when it is you that has trouble, this is how you see it: you are flawed, defective, unnatural. Or maybe that is just me. Who knows?

I could ask J how he feels. We have been married for the better portion of a decade. When I say he is my best friend, I am not just saying that as the cliche of marriage. He truly is. My partner, my lover, my soulmate, my confidante, my biggest fan, my worst enemy, my entire world. But J is also....well....J. A tough-talking Marine Corps Veteran. A good-ol' boy raised in the country. He doesn't talk about his feelings unless he has to. They come out eventually, but only when he is overflowing with emotion and it spills out of him more like an involuntary response. Kind of like a bucket collecting rainwater: it gets full to the point that there is no place for the water to go but to spill over the sides. That's J.

But still...I cannot help but to wonder what this all feels like for him.

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