33 Wks, 6 Days: Counting

So far, I have survived the following:

14 weeks of bedrest and no work.

16 progesterone injections.

73 days on the brethine pump.

25 days on oral medications before switching to the pump.

22 ultrasounds.

8 weeks' worth of cervical lengths.

3 Fetal fibronectins.

34 trips to Labor and Delivery.

148 hours of home uterine monitoring.

4 hospitalizations greater than 2 days.

1 emergency transfer by ambulance.

18 days on magnesium sulfate.

I have my amnio in 10 days. In the next 7 days, I will get 2 more progesterone injections. At 36 weeks, they are no longer indicated, and the home health company will automatically stop them. I am assuming my pump and monitor will stop then, as well. There really is no point in continuing them at that point, but I haven't gotten the official order.

I'm both excited and antsy. The whole family is ready to meet Zachary. I thought knowing that they will test lung maturity in X amount of days would make it easier, but it hasn't. Yesterday morning, I awakened to what I thought for sure was IT. Contractions that were just different. About the same intensity, but in my back instead of my belly. Very intense, further spaced, longer in duration. About 18-20 an hour. About the only relief I could get was getting down on the floor on all fours, with J applying pressure to my lower back. It went on all day before I finally listened to my doctor and went to L&D. I thought for sure, with me being 34 weeks tomorrow, that they would just end it and do my c-section. Instead, I got the standard: "You're not dialting.", "You want a healthy baby, right?", etc. If they wait on me to dilate, I will be pregnant forever, but they just don't get that. I refused the IV fluids this time. It is getting harder and harder for them to get vascular access on me, and I want them to be able to in 10 days or so, when it really is time to deliver. In other words, let's save the veins I have left. The doctor was even saying something about mag sulfate again, and I threw a fit. Absolutely not. I will never be on that stuff again. So I left the hospital in a disgusted state, still in pain, and about to refuse all care from now on. Of course once I calmed down, I realized this would be irrational, but it gets harder and harder to endure with each passng week.

I keep reminding myself that it is almost over. That I will forget some of this once I hold my baby boy. The person who tells you that you will forget everything once you have your baby is a lying sack of #%^&. Just like everything else in life, there are some things that do not go away, but leave permanent scars. It is lessened to a great degree, but you always remember. Instead, as time passes, it just gets to a point where you aren't consumed by it anymore. I am reminded of the hell I endured for E all of the time. I will be with Zachary too. My love for them just serves as a sort of pain medication for it. The end result is a justification.

Now, I'm just waiting on my justification for this one.