Friday, January 29, 2010

20 wks: What You Aren't Supposed to Say

The contractions started while I was at work. I felt them. I knew they were there,but I didn't want to be a burden to coworkers. I remember feeling fear. Fear for my unborn baby. Fear that this, combined with my history with E's pregnancy, would end my ability to work. Which spawned fear for the financial well-being of my little family. Fear.

But we, as pregnant women, are not supposed to think of anything but the baby. After coworkers convinced me to go to L&D to get checked, all I could think is "this is it: there goes my life right before my eyes". All of the overtime worked to keep on top of bills. All of the hours of study-time logged to get me closer to my goal. My job. My house. My car. My ability to provide for E. All of it. Whoosh! There it goes.

They stopped the contractions and I was able to go home after a few hours. Home to bedrest until I could see my OB in the office. But something happened to me that night. I left the hospital feeling less adequate and faulty. What was wrong with me? I was supposed to be the selfless mother, concerned only with her baby. Who thinks of work, school, or others at a time like that? The answer is ME. I do.

Because what they DON'T tell you while you are laying there, strapped to monitors that are recording your body's dysfunction is that you are only human. And that while I have an obligation to be selfless for this baby that still needs to grow, I also have obligations to others in my life. E is young, and he needs me. J needs me. My coworkers rely on me to be there when scheduled. And my family relies on me to work to provide, to get my education to provide more in the future.

But I'm not supposed to say that. There is no "self" and there is noone else when you are pregnant. The world is supposed to stop. For the baby.

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